In Times Of Jets Desperation, There's Always The Big Man In Red

By Kelli Burns

Well it’s that time of year again. One by one the Jets faithful have finally started throwing in the towel as their beleaguered team has gone into the toilet. It appears no amount of praying to the Great Almighty holds any traction as far as Jets Nation is concerned.

The Big Kahuna appears to have gone on Jets hiatus, preferring instead to leapfrog the plight of the little green battlers to instead deal with other more pressing issues -- like why Eggo’s are out of stock nationwide.

So with the Jets faithful clutching at their last remaining shred of pride, it’s time to make a last ditch plea to the one man who may possibly have the power to alter the trajectory of the Jets nosedive into true embarrassment. Yes, it's time to call upon the big guy himself. And I’m not talking about Rex Ryan. I mean the other, even bigger guy.

Santa Claus.

It seems the season of asking for miracles and transferring one's loyalty from the one and only omnipotent to the one only omnipresent (he sees you when you’re sleeping remember) seems apropos. Because at this stage I’m pretty certain God has had both of his fore fingers jammed in his ears for about the last seven weeks. He's ignored the prayers of all Jets fans begging for the love of all that is holy and green do something to help this team avoid yet another crash and burn.

If I was HIM I’d be fed up listening to the masses bleating about the “Same ‘ole Jets,” too. While it feels like the team is either ignoring its fanbase or really doesn’t give a flying hoo-hah, the reality is the Jets appear to hear the fans, but are powerless to grant them what they want.

If Jets fans are honest with themselves they’d just admit they're beaten down and tired of the team inventing new ways to lose each and every week. Yet at the same time, Jets fans really have no one to blame but themselves. They are the same people who week after week paint their extremities and weakly chant their battle cry -- J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JE ... oh forget it. Right about not we need more than divine intervention. We need an old fashioned Christmas miracle. At the very least these diehards need a little hope before they suffer an emotional flatline. Isn't the holiday season all about hope? I’d like to think the fans deserve at least one, two or six more feel-good moments.

"If Jets fans are honest with themselves they’d just admit they're beaten down and tired of the team inventing new ways to lose each and every week." -- Kelli Burns

Ask any Jets fan if, given the opportunity, they’d prefer to sit around in a lobotomized daze with their own fingers wedged firmly in their ears or if they'd prefer to watch the Jets fall even further from grace. It’s probably an easy choice right about now. My fingers are at the ready. Pain only hurts when you feel it and not even a IV of morphine can numb the fans enough to ignore the looming reality of how the season will end.

Because it always seems to end the same way.

So with that I present to you my plea to the big man in red, my Jets 12 days of Christmas wish list, as a last-gasp effort to see if there is anything that Santa can do to save us from having to endure the pain of yet another Christmas without hope:

Dear Santa,

You're our last hope. And I do apologize for not coming to you first, but it appears God wants no part of us. We’re turning to you to help put the spirit back into the hearts and mind of the greatest fans in the NFL, the fans of that team in green, the New York Jets. In football, if you’re standing still, you’re going backwards. And right know this baby has been slammed into reverse. Just plonk your chubby self in front of the telly on any given Sunday and see for yourself. There's no forward momentum, no magic; just jaw-dropping failure after jaw-dropping failure. This NFL season is turning into a travesty of monumental proportions. But there is a way to get this thing back on autopilot so we can land safely in January.

12th day wish: Let’s start with a win this week at home against the Panthers, though at this stage beating a local high school team would suffice. I don't know if the fans can handle another case of the Jets losing to a team they should beat.

11th day wish: How about stuffing the Jets stocking with a new offensive coordinator. The predictable is tiring and Jets fans are ready for the offense to do something somewhat stunning. You can start by filling the Jets' playbook with Xs and Os and bottle caps and stick figures not drawn up by one Brian Schottenheimer. Actually, I really don't care whose playbook it is, as long as it’s not his.

10th day wish: I’d like to see a little mongrel in our boys out there, a little in-your-face hard yakka that wins football games week in and week out. The pain of the setbacks is all mental. It’s mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter. They need to get angry and channel the agro and frustration into an occasional ass whooping. Leave the kumbayah to the Boy Scouts. Play footy dammit!

9th day wish: We need Leon Washington’s leg to heal up better than it was before so he can play again, something akin to Timmy from the Christmas story of Scrooge. Since Jets fans feel as though they have been “screwged” in recent weeks, this little nugget of a miracle would truly be appropriate.

8th day wish: We need the special teams to show up every week with as solid a performance as it showed against the Patriots. Please don’t pull the old bait and switch and give us the Ted Ginn Jr. Jets. We like the Eric Smith version thank you very much.

7th day wish: We all like to think that Mark Sanchez is a rookie on an upward trajectory toward the Hall of Fame. But in (hot) dog years he’s still in the equivalent of NFL elementary school. This wish is for an accelerated learning curve, a little extra confidence thrown the young bloke's way, because, after all, he is our future and is a really nice sort. Also, please throw in some improvisation skills because he tends to force things.

6th day wish: Help the coaches with clock management. If a jolly, fat bellied guy not named Rex can find a way each year to streak across the sky dispensing gifts to all who are deserving, surely the Jets can figure out how many blokes they need on the field and save their bleedin’ timeouts for late in a game when they need them most.

5th day wish: Do the Jets really need cheerleaders? I mean, what's there to cheer about? If you insist on the Flight Crew, at least let me coordinate their outfits and choreograph their moves.

4th day wish: Big Rex actually allowing the defensive coordinator to coordinate. Mike Pettine seems to be doing a bloody good job of it. He's consistent, flexible and adaptable. Go see what the O-co is up to instead! Or should that be No-co? See what this team does to me?

3rd day wish: Fewer turnovers. No? How about something easier, like a whole lot more touchdowns? Let’s see some end zone John Travoltas. We all want to see players in green busting some more moves out there.

2nd day wish: A photo of Bill Belichick kissing Rex Ryan's ring -- for no good reason other than a good giggle and self deprecating laugh. God knows everyone else is laughing at us, so we may as well yuk it up with them.

1st day wish: How about an antidote for that pesky "wildcat." Something like, I don't know ... Wait, I got it. A Cougar!

So there you have it. I don't think I'm asking for too much here. I could have been typical and requested a Super Bowl appearance or, dare I say it, a championship, but I know you're a busy man.

Thanks for your time ... and don't forget to miss the off-ramps for Miami, Buffalo and New England on Dec. 25.

Kelli Burns is a voice of reason in a world of Twitter Jets angst. You'd be doing yourself a great service by following her @kelliburns